Hearsay


Published on September 26, 2002, 12:00am | Comments

The New Miss Z's has bosoms to spare, but where was Blair?…
Karens and Jacks overrun last Sunday's Lizard Lounge…
The Kennedy Center gets a little gay…

At almost precisely but not exactly 2:52 a.m., Monday, September 23, Cricket was crowned as the new Miss Ziegfeld's 2003. Cricket -- just Cricket -- who one pageant observer noted “worked her tranny ass off to win this,” is the first transsexual to hold the city's most coveted drag title. Interestingly, the Richmond, Va. contestant took first runner up to Blair Michaels at last year's Miss Z's. Even more interestingly, Blair was a no-show at this year's pageant, which is odd since it's typical for any departing title-holder to sing one last song (and grab as many dollars as she can) before the adoring crowd. Whither Blair? Hearsay heard a story that's too scandalous to put in print. Sorry. In any case, Cricket should make a fine Miss Z's, what with her extra-extra-extra-buxom bosom. She's like an Ultra-Ultra-Ultra-Vixen -- with, by the way, enough candy left to surprise any curious straight boy…

Hearsay was slithering about aimlessly last Sunday night when it wriggled into Lizard Lounge to check out the WB50 Will & Grace Jack and Karen audition promo (the show made its syndication bow on the station this week). Participants stand in front of a big-ass video camera and recite either a classic Jack or Karen. The winner (culled from auditions held in three other clubs in addition to the Lounge, as well as Adams Morgan Day) wins a \$10,000 shopping spree at IKEA. Lounge host Mark “Brunch Buddy” Lee, dressed in his customary Dapper Black™, introduced Hearsay to WB50 promotions director Gloria Jones, who promptly asked Hearsay if it would like to audition. Hearsay declined on the grounds that it's still trying to assemble the IKEA cutting board it bought five years ago. Gloria noted that several men had done superb Karen auditions. “We have some better Karens here than the women at other clubs have done,” she confided, adding that “this is the only alternative bar we've done.” Gloria, honey, the word is GAY. G-A-Y. Gay-fucking-gay. Say it with me now, girl: GAAAAAAY. God. Hearsay tracked down a few audition-ees, including Jayendu, a UofMDer who chose to recite a Karen line. “I could have done better,” he admitted glumly. If he wins, the first thing he'll buy from IKEA is “a bed. Definitely a bed.” Well, it beats sleeping in a sling. Lounge regular Noah “Wanna See My Ark?” Turkus auditioned, though he claimed that he and his roomie Joe Joe “One Name's Not Enough” Ward had no idea that the auditions were occuring. They joined in the fun at the pleasantly persistent behest of perky recruiter Chris “Put Your Finger in My Clipboard” Bowling, whose Lite-Brite smile seemed to stretch from here to eternity. Joe Joe felt confident that he had nailed Jack (not to mention earlier reported nailings of Bob, Ted, Bill, Dave and a guy named Sue). And if he wins? “I'm gonna buy a bed for Noah. Right now he's sleeping on an air mattress and every time he brings someone home, it's like ‘Come and play on my Moon Bounce.'” Well, it's a great way to collect loose change…

After the Summer of Sondheim, Hearsay didn't think the Kennedy Center could get any gayer. How wrong it was, thanks to the sky-high homo factor at the Sing-A-Long Sound of Music several Saturdays ago. If you're unfamiliar with the event, everyone dresses up in costume as their favorite character or element from the 1965 film, which is subtitled with song lyrics. Hearsay chatted with several costumed folks in the lobby before the show, including Jon “When the Bees Sting” Gann and graphics wizard Dan “When the Dog Bites” Kaufman, who noted that they were going to the Eagle directly after the show to rid themselves of any lingering saccharine feelings. John “IHOP” Abbot came as "Tea with Jam and Bread," and Jim Slattery came as a “Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String” (though allegedly this is nothing new for Jim). Hearsay would prefer not to recall the woman dressed as “Whiskers on Kittens.” QUICK, BRING HEARSAY BOURBON AND SUPHURIC ACID ON ICE! Hearsay is still lusting after Jason, the KC staffer who co-hosted the pre-show events. In his lederhosen, dress shoes and sheer socks, that boy is a fetish waiting to happen, and just thinking about him makes Hearsay's Lonely Goatherd stand to attention…


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