Hearsay

Sunday Mass at Club Five, DC Eagle, more


Published on July 1, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

ISO the boy who dumped his girlfriend (for a boy!)...
Sunday Mass shutters its early morning chapel...
Giving chase at the Eagle...

The call went out over the police blotter Friday night: agitated woman stops Volkswagen Jetta in middle of 20th and P. Now, that would not normally attract Hearsay's attention, except for one detail: she was wailing about how her boyfriend, who she had accompanied to a gay bar -- a gay bar! -- evidently had proceeded to pick up a boy -- a boy! -- and thus left her stranded at the altar. Or more precisely the Apex, or the Omega, or the Fireplace, or the Dupont Veterinary Clinic. She got taken to the Lustre Cleaners, as it were.

A few other words -- a boy! A gay bar! -- written on the blotter could make Hearsay come a runnin' faster. (Other words that would do it: dildo, indecent exposure, gang bang, Brett Parsons. Put it ‘em all together and we're talking the night of Hearsay's life. Hearsay decided to channel its own inner-Nancy Drew, and went off Hearsay went to investigate. First stop (and only stop): Omega. Let's see if Andreas “I've Poured Drinks in My Tightie Whities” Campo has seen him. The bar-bender couldn't see over his “Don't Tell Me” camp-cowboy hat. So Hearsay asked of the patrons: Mark “Bar-Bar-Baritone” Blaylock, tell me, have you seen him? “Oh, was he the sexy half-naked man in the shower in the music video playing on the TV above the bar?” Well, the whole bar wishes, but alas, Hearsay doesn't think he's quite that developed. Ed “Shatterproof” Glasscock -- never mind if that's not really how you spell your surname -- have you seen the boy? “Sorry, I was too busy watching Janet Jackson's 'When I Think of You' video. I haven't seen it in so long, it's bringing back sweet memories of when he'd take me in his arms, and squeeze me.” Okay, what's with these people and their obsession with music videos? Sigh, sigh. VJ Tony, you sure know how to get people talking. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? "Seen who?" HIM! "Who?" HIMMMM! "Oh, him, yeah. He went thataway. Now excuse me while I cue up the next tape for the videodrones." In the end -- much, much later that evening, many videos later and many more Budweisers to boot -- Hearsay found the missing boy. He was found in the secret bunker within the Bushes next to the former Badlands desert. He seemed self-satisfied, though a little out of place…

Speaking of police blotters, rumors were flying as to why Sunday Mass preemptively, temporarily shuttered its doors last Sunday. They were the usual rumors: potential raid, a Vatican censure, a club malfunction, a lovers' quarrel, a command from on high, a sighting of the Virgin Mary, a sighting of any virgin, mary. But let's put the mass rumors to rest. Stephen “Wings” Weber took to his church pulpit to issue an “honest and soul searching” notice that calls on the “need for immediate, visible and vast changes resulting from drug and illegal substance use that may have found its way into this event.” The release goes on to implore the faithful to “educate yourselves about recreational drug use and its impact on your health.” (Why, Hearsay has been educating itself for years now. In fact, excuse Hearsay while it takes a moment to further educate itself ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... Ahhh, back. Hearsay feels a renewed vigor, like it could clean for days! Someone hand Hearsay the Bon Ami, please.) In any event, Weber and partner Blaine “Fly the Friendly Skies” Soileau have every intention of re-opening Mass soon, after taking “proactive measures” to address a problem that “could be at epidemic proportions.” They don't spell out what these measures might be, but Hearsay wonders if it will involve Brett Parsons' nightstick and a long, probing interrogation

Last weekend might have ended earlier than expected for Hearsay, without Mass to attend, but it started early too, when word went out that the recently crowned International Mr. Leather would be at The Eagle Thursday night. Jason “I Make a Splash in a Sash” Hendrix is, after all, the 2004 Mr. DC Eagle. Hearsay couldn't get near Hendrix (the man not only has a body, he has bodyguards -- at least Hearsay thinks they were bodyguards, they may have just been Jason worshippers). Instead, Hearsay got its kicks from Greg “Rasslin' Westin” Wessler, who was spotted chasing a boy around the back patio -- literally chasing the boy, who was understandably afraid of the two-time wrestling champ who used to butt heads with the best of them on the Worldwide Wrestling Authority's Extreme Queer Thumb Wrestling! Why was Wessler chasing the lad? "I need the exercise," he told Hearsay before resuming his run. You go, girl. Sadly, Hearsay didn't see anyone in buttless chaps all night -- could the fashion trend be at an end? -- and nor did it see anyone's chapless butt…


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