Hearsay


Published on October 31, 2002, 12:00am | Comments

· Hearsay does Reel Affirmations the right way, through a Absolut vodka-induced haze, and takes Strand to task for being late…
· The meaning of Apex is revealed…

Hearsay wasn't certain whether to laugh or cry at this year's Reel Affirmations 12, so it did a little of both. Hearsay laughed as all the actors cried at the soggy finale of the opening film, Leaving Metropolis written and directed by Brad “Canadian Bacon” Fraser. And it laughed heartily again after the film, as the festival's volunteer bartenders graciously added more Absolut Vodka to each pre-made Cosmos Hearsay ordered at the party in the theater tent. In no time at all, Hearsay was getting a little wobbly standing in line after line after line chowing down on the delicious concoctions of Chef Greggory “C'mon Baby Light My Fire” Hill, who normally feeds the masses at Gabriel Restaurant and at select Bat Mitzvahs. As Hearsay stumbled through the crowd, a stranger accosted Hearsay. “Trying to find Michael Henning from Washington. I am searching very long time already,” he burbled. Hearsay shrugged and pointed the stranger to Chef Gabriel's Devilled Eggs. “Yum. Eggs,” said the stranger, suddenly all wide-eyed and drooly. Hearsay crept away and knelt at the Sapphic Alter of Festival Director Sarah Kellogg, pleading with her to name her favorite breakfast cereal. “Frosted Flakes with Pop Tarts crumbled on top,” she said with a Cheshire Cat grin. What? Not Shredded Wheat? “No,” she intoned. “That would be a Post cereal.” Hearsay felt the chill and headed back for more vodka. The next night, a minor disaster struck the festival. According to various sources, some of them still kneeling in the Black Forest, Strand Releasing stranded the festival by sending the film reels of His Secret Life four hours late. FOUR HOURS LATE! Even Lena Lett isn't four hours late for anything. (Her late record, for the record, is 3 hours, 59 minutes and 22 seconds.) As the audience impatiently awaited arrival of the film, Mark “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” Betchkal performed his world-famous imitation of the Andrews Sisters on Ice, following it with his renowned Middle Eastern Balloon Animals routine. Just as he was twisting the head of a camel, The Lady Kellogg emerged from the heavens and announced the film's cancellation. Strand ought to be bitch-slapped for this. Flash forward several days to the closing night of the Festival, and many Absolut Pavilion visits later, the vodka flowing, the morning headaches ceaselessly throbbing. Hearsay hobnobbed with director Miles Swain, whose serio-comedy-relationship-wigs-throughout-history movie The Trip, had won the coveted The Audience Loved It but What Do Audiences Know About Film? prize. Seriously, Hearsay liked the film as well, and wishes Swain the best of luck on the sequel, The Vacation. Swilling back the vodka, Hearsay accosted several folks, including One In Ten's always chipper Ex-Officio Executive Director Carlos “I'll Take Potent Potables for $1,000” Arias, Rick “I Thought Activism Was a Video Game Maker” Rosendall, Matthew “I'm Writing As Fast As I Can” Cibellis, and One In Ten prez Larry Guillemette, who proceeded to defend, on the spot, the short short Piss, in which several men's members make like a fountain of Mello Yello. “There's lots of nuance in that film,” said Guillemette. “The shape of the penis, how the guys take the penis out, how they wiggle the last drop out of it, how they put it back in.” Hearsay was not convinced. Piss remains shit. Thankfully, much of the rest of the movies on display this year were not, and Hearsay looks forward to returning one year from now to the Absolut Pavilion for another thousand rounds of vodka and its annual chat with Larry…

It's official. Apex is not -- unlike one of our readers suggested in a recent contest -- a new designer drug. It is, in fact, the new club in the spot where Badlands once stood. If you're reading this on Thursday, Oct. 31, this is the very last night you can enter Badlands as Badlands because tomorrow, Nov. 1, Badlands will be Apex and the gay clubbing landscape will forever be altered as we know it. What's that old cliché? Oh, yeah, stay tuned…


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