Hearsay


Published on March 6, 2003, 12:00am | Comments

The Green Lantern serves up a new attitude…
The Eagle spreads its wings for the girls…
Tidbits from all over the gossip globe…

You may be wondering where Hearsay's been all this time. Well, wonder away all you want. Hearsay's been on hiatus, far away from the snowy horrors of D.C. on a fact-finding mission for the C.I.A., better known as the Culinary Institute of Armenia. Hearsay was sent by the C.I.A. to Guadalupe to find a rare fruit known as the Cramituprassberry. It seems that when pressed between the rock-hard buttocks of a young muscle-bound man, the berry produces a microdroplet of the most insanely delicious nectar ever tasted by gay men (lesbians, on the other hand, recoil from its slightly bitter aftertaste). Anyway, it takes two billion berries to make one luscious teaspoon. In retrospect, Hearsay wishes it hadn't accepted the assignment, though the pay was good, and Hearsay met a Guadalupan boy (yes, he was over 18) who knew just how to squeeze Hearsay's plump, fruity berries.

Anyway, Hearsay's back and there's just so much to report that Hearsay's just gonna start and go. First of all, Hearsay hears that there's been a big change at one of the bars. The Green Lantern has a great big new logo and a new attitude. It also has new window treatments and handmade wall sconces so elegant, they might have been ripped from the walls of The White House. It's really quite the bee's knees, to use a phrase coined by David Richards, long gone Washington Post sourpuss theatre critic (the queer boys at the Post are much more chipper these days). The Lantern has also upgraded its audio and video system, and is now featuring Hearsay's old friends Alan “Lord of the Buffalo Wings” Chasan and Bill “Kirstie Alley Fan Club Prez” Keart on Fridays and a sizzling hot VJ named Rob “Sir Ralph” Richardson on Saturdays. And every Saturday in March, the Lantern is offering All You Can Drink Draft Beer for $5. Yes, you do have to hold onto your cup all night, but most of you are probably better at that than holding onto your men, aren't ya now?...

Moving on to leather, Hearsay isn't touching the hottest item of the week, in respect to its ties to the community. So it will touch the second hottest item: The Eagle let in girls. That's right, the First Official Eagle Dyke Night took place last Wednesday, February 26. The threat of inclement weather didn't keep those leather-packin' mamas from showing up at the bird, its welcoming wings wide open as if to say, “You may not have dicks, but we dig you chicks.” The night, which will occur on the last Wednesday of each month, is yet another way in which the Lesbian Community is finding joy in the once male-dominated world of leather. And we hear the men are liking it, too. Hearsay applauds Dyke Night founders Schelli “I Tried Velcro Once and It Stuck For a Year” Dittman and the handsome Max “Stings, Tubas, and Trombones” Steiner for getting the leather girl scene going. Anyone for some Playtex action?…

A few weeks ago (okay, a few months ago, but who's counting?), Josh “Let's Make A Deal” Dunkelman and David “Match Game PM” Goodhand were in Los Angeles for a taping of The Price (of alleged Sexual Harassment) is Right. The pair, it seems, are the kind of maniacal fans of this long-lasting game show one usually calls avid (if one is being polite). While Josh and David weren't called to “Come On Down!” they were seated right behind contestant's row, where they could be seen shouting homoerotic advice to the contestants (“Higher! No Lower! No Higher! Higher! Lower! Oh, yeah, that's the right price!”) The episode aired one Monday in January and in honor of their television appearance, Eric “Can I Turn that Letter for You?” Hirshfield threw a small morning gathering at his 18th & U Duplex Diner. Dunkleman bartended for the event, earning a whopping $62 in tips, all of which was donated to the local ASPCA to benefit of Bob Barker's spay and neuter campaign. Rice-A-Roni was prepared by Keith “Wheel of Fortune” Johnson and served by Stuart “Card Sharks!” Spencer. Guests included Brad “The Dating Game” Ferris, Craig “Gong Show” Engel, and Jim “Win, Lose, or Draw!” Bell. By the time Showcase Showdown rolled around it was almost noon. But that didn't stop the mimosa-and-bloody Mary enriched revelers from enjoying Eric “I've Got a Secret” Siddall's shirtless rendition of numbers from Evita atop the Duplex's bar…

Here are some quick ‘n' tarties: Hearsay mourns the loss of Sheridan's. Owner Steve “Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella” Sabatini made a great go of it -- and gave Capitol Hill its finest gay steakhouse, but circumstances conspired and the bar succumbed. Here's hoping that Steve finds a new venture soon, closer to Dupont… Is it true that two homosexual chefs have put their heads together and are opening a new restaurant? We just wonder: are there going to be jalapenos whipped into those garlicky mashed potatoes?… Hearsay gives its Decoration of the Year award to Chaos, whose Valentine's Day décor was a bright red statement of over-the-top brilliance. Wow. Just wow. It made Hearsay's heart stand on end… Happy Bi-Annual Anniversary to James “Triple” Decker and his beau of six months whose name Hearsay wrote down and then promptly lost…

Got something juicy for Hearsay? Or do you just wanna share the love? Write hearsay@metroweekly.com.


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