Hearsay

Superbowl Sunday at Green Lantern and Titan


Published on February 5, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Superbowl Sunday is a good reason to get good and drunk ...
What's a goal line when there are breasts to be bared? ...
Collectively kicking the habit at the Lantern ...

Hearsay could have stayed at home and watched the Super Bowl on its brand new multi-billion dollar home theater, complete with a 900-inch flat screen TV, stadium-style seats that recline and a theater concession stand, staffed just for the Boob Bowl occasion by a shirtless “football player” who stirs cocktails with a rather formidable swizzle stick. But Hearsay gave the Tight End the night off and, instead, made its intrepid way out into the bars, to see for itself just how many gay boys are really interested in football. Hearsay first wondered, what's the difference between a wide receiver and a tight end? Could it be two drinks? Or maybe 12 men and 12 inches? Nevermind. Green Lantern was certainly testosterone-driven on Superbowl Sunday, what with the Potomac MC hosting a Beer Bar upstairs. Actually, the Lantern was the best place for diehard football fans who really wanted to hear the CBS machine drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about the game. Bartenders Lou “Black Haus” Persic and Jason “Raspberry Twist” Watson poured the stiff drinks that kept the distracted crowd stiff. They went wild exactly once while Hearsay was there: when the Pepsi commercial featuring the real bear disguised as a bearish man aired. It was Bear's Night Out at the bar, after all. Surely the crowd was animated as the night wore on, when the Patriotic Panthers (that's the team that won, right?) scored some points or whatever you call those things in rugby. You see, Green Lantern was giving out prizes every time the Panther Patties scored. That is, unless you rooted for the other team, the Tea Partiers or whatever their name was, in which case you didn't. But then you would have won more in the end since the -- egad, Hearsay's gotten lost in the deep end zone. Let's just drop the ball for a second to catch our breath. Okay, where were we? Fellas, take your position!

Oh yes, Hearsay was braving the bitter cold, passing the ball up 14th Street to take in the second quarter at Titan. Hearsay was happy to see a merry band of Misfit Mary's packed in like it was Radiant Beams Stadium in front of the old-school flat-screen TV that owner Glenn “Rosy Cheeks” Mlaker had bought for the occasion. This merry band of misfit Mary's were certainly the merriest of the night -- those big $12 pitchers of beer did the trick, and the ability to order food from Hamburger Mary's was another draw. Of course, it was hard to make your way to the mobbed bar. It was mobbed. The Titan Mary's were also the most into the game, with what Hearsay detected was a strong preference for the Carolina Kitties. They were yelling at the screen and shouting over the cheers of the opposing team's fans whenever something happened on the field. It was so loud at times that honest-to-goodness football fan Lenny “Doctor's Orders” Kaufman was heading home so he could actually hear the game. Hearsay didn't need to hear the game, but like Jon “Happy Home Maker” Rowley did want to get drinks a little faster -- you gotta be a lush to do this job, Bob! So Hearsay was off to another bar populated by a different breed of footballers: these were a Mary band of misfit merries, if you will. The boys at JR.'s, like Keith “I've Got A Powerful Horse Outside” Petrack and Mark “What Are You Afraid Of?” Morgan, weren't really into the game. “I guess the game's over,” Petrack said, when he noticed the screens showing videos to match the music. Yes, the smattering of cheers minutes before signaled that, dearie. Paul “Look at My Thumb” Greeno just may have been the biggest honest-to-goodness football fan in the place. But everyone got into it when Janet “Miss Jackson If You're Nasty” Jackson stole the show, with assist -- or maybe desist -- from Justin “Cry Me A River” Timberlake. “Was that Janet's breast?” PJ “Right About Now” Studevent asked Hearsay, but dammit we were nursing our Bud Light at the time, so we missed it. Though we've since seen it now, over and over and over and over and over and over and over again…

If you wander into the Green Lantern and notice the air a little less smokey, don't worry, you can still puff away on your Marlboro Ultra-Uber Lights, if you'd like. But be forewarned: you might get a dressing down from seven staffers who collectively quit smoking Saturday, February 1st -- after one last, prolonged gasp when they finished off their packs after closing and cleanup. And they are serious: each one of them has to contribute $10 every week for the next three months, whether they stay smoke-free or not. Come May 1st, those who remain smoke-free will celebrate together by spending the kitty on a nice meal -- a really, really nice meal, since we're talking more than $800 here. If they all get to smokin' again, well, Phillip Morris will be a happy fat cat. All of the kitty will then go toward packs of cigs, owner Greg “Fire Breathing Drag-on Lady” Zehnacker explained. Zehnacker, a smoker for over 20 years now, is taking the challenge, along with Jason “ Puff” Horswill, Jason “I'm Allergic to the Patch“ Watson, James “Butts” Steele, Jeff “Ash” Wessler, Rob “Nic-Fit” Matthews and Mikel “Inhale” Montel. “There are side bets that I'll be the first to cave in, but I'm not gonna let ‘em win that,” Zehnacker told Hearsay. The boys have created a list with everyone's phone number, so they theoretically could call one another for support in the middle of the night. Doesn't sound like a great idea. But anyway, how ‘bout a little support for the troops? Well Hearsay's brand of it anyway: If you catch one of the seven dwarfs -- and they might all be Grumpy in this version of the cartoon -- puffin' on a stick, drop us a note at hearsay@metroweekly.com, and we'll investigate. Let's help them kick the sticks…


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