Hearsay

Drag Kings, Chaos, and the Democratic Caucus


Published on March 11, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Sometimes a drag king kiss is more than a kiss…
National Geographic takes its cameras to Chaos…
Return of the Democratic Caucus…

So two drag queens are performing at Chaos. The two -- let's call them Gigi “Puttin' on the” Couture and Xavier “Shop at” Bloomingdale -- are dirty dancing together at the end of their number, lip-synching to the music of Britney and Madonna. And then, at the song's finish, they lipstick-lock. Doesn't sound like much of a joke, does it now? Well, it never happened. After all, who wants to see two girly girls all pancake made-up kissing -- two girly girls that are really guys? But two girls dressed as manly men going through the same motions? Now, that's entertainment. And it happened last Wednesday night at Chaos' four year anniversary celebration of its monthly Drag King Show. Actually, the girlz-to-men seduction was a love triangle acted out, improbably, to the tune of “Come On Eileen.” Boise “I Da Ho” Studley kissed Mr. Somebody after pushing aside the charms of Ms. Could Be Anybody, first seen in her Eileen pretty red dress and later in a skimpy ooh-la-la bikini. Right here, it's important to note that Hearsay means no offense to Mr. Somebody and Ms. Could Be Anybody. Hearsay partakes in a steady stream of alcohol (both of the drinking and rubbing variety) while on the job and often forgets names. And it's Mr. Nobody And Ms. Everybody's loss, since the inspired "Eileen" number was the crowning achievement of a great night. Co-host Maestro put it another way following the performance: “We got some mad creative people here tonight!” That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, Hearsay likes it.

The capacity crowd was more boisterous than Hearsay ever remembers seeing at Chaos' drag queen pageants, which are more formal, elegant affairs. Of course, the crowd was fired up by the exciting, improbable antics dreamed up by the Victor-Victoria drag kings, fearlessly led by event founder and king of all drag kings across the kingdom of Drag Kingdonia, Ken “Roulette Balls” Las Vegas. Ken and Maestro both performed the Virgin Sacrifice that opens each monthly show. This time they got lewd with a lass named Angela, who'd never been to a drag king show before. One official drag king website -- www.dckings.com  -- instructs future Virgins: “Enjoy this opportunity if you get it! Not many get the chance to flirt so closely with a king.” But if you do get the opportunity, perchance, look to see what his facial hair is made of: Natural hair clippings? Horse hide? Cork? Yes, cork. Apparently, if you “burn the end of a cork lightly,” wait for it to cool off and then lightly dab it on your face, you have instant-stubble. The problem comes when you try to later shave it off. The blades tend to rip through soft female flesh.

Okay, now here's the kicker. On site at the event was an actual National Geographic Television crew, who apparently took a wrong left turn while searching for the Great Blowhole at the Top o' the World and wound up, somehow, filming the proceedings at Chaos. The ever-so-clever NatGeoGraph producer quickly called the head of the organization on her NatGeoGraph Go-Anywhere Walkie Talkie with a hot flash. “SORRY TO BOTHER YOU BOSS,” she shouted into the face-sized device, “BUT I THINK WE SHOULD DITCH THE BLOWHOLE FEATURE AND INSTEAD DO SOMETHING ON THIS FLOCK OF LESBIANS WHO THINK THEY'RE GAY MEN! BUT WITHOUT THE MESS! THOUGH I DO THINK LOTS OF WIGGLING FINGERS ARE STILL INVOLVED! I'LL LET YOU KNOW LATER AFTER I'VE EXPERIENCED IT FOR MYSELF!” For his part, the NatGeoGraph chief shouted back, “LESBIANS! I LOVE LESBIANS! MAKE THEM KISS EACH OTHER! AND THEN MAKE THEM TELL YOU WHERE THAT DAMN ISLE OF LESBOS IS! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEND A CREW THERE TO SHOOT ITS FABLED HERMIT CRAB POPULATION!” Needless to say, the crew got a shot of the kiss, called it a wrap, and went off in search of crabs…

Last Saturday, Hearsay got all political-minded, stopping by the Great Drab Gymnasium at UDC to see what really happens at the Democratic State Committee Delegate Selection Caucus. Well, there are a lot of long lines, bleating political would-bes and are-nows, and plenty of food for the hungry voters. As you know, Hearsay's not much of a political beast, but it was happy to offer Mayor Anthony “Is My Bowtie Crooked?” Williams a nice, cool, refreshing glass of home-poured tap water. “Drink it, Mr. Mayor,” Hearsay said, a sinister note creeping into its voice. “Take a sip. Just one little sip.” The Mayor, for his part, declined, muttering something about getting his water nutrients exclusively from a faraway place called Poland Springs. Hearsay bumped lightly into Phil “Do the Bustle” Pannell, who offered Hearsay some political wisdom: “Always vote Democratic. Always.” Hearsay traded quips with John “Luxurious Locks” Ralls over at the Jack Evans Elect-emporium, where it was also introduced to the City Paper's politi-columnist Loose Lips. It was kind of like a meeting of polar opposite legends -- substance and anti-substance, truth and blatantly fabricated crap. Hearsay eventually made it over to the Andy “Don't Touch the Hair!” Litsky camp where it regaled its old friend with tales of political madness from the days of Eisenhower. Turns out that, ultimately, Litsky was elected a delegate for presidential hopeful Kerry, along with another gay politi-celeb, Kurt “Vonnegut” Vondran and a couple of chicks whose names escape Hearsay at the moment. Damn that grain alcohol…


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