Hearsay

Hildi visits from Trading Spaces, Velvet night out, Hamburger Mary's 3rd


Published on March 18, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Where in the world is Hildi Santo-Tomas?...
A Pointer (and a cube) for VelvetNation...
Mary and Titan turn three...

Who is Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas? Hearsay decided to ask that of every homosexual it met last weekend (and, as always, it met a lot). And what a coincidence! One Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas was spotted around town, showing that Hearsay is more than just a gossipmonger. Hearsay's also a prophet. (Stand back for the second coming.) Indeed, Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas was seen at Cobalt's 30 Degrees Lounge Friday with a gaggle of bald, bodyguard-sized gay men. Maybe they really were bodyguards, you say. Surely the lovely Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas needs protection. No, said celebrity watcher Kevin “I See Everything” Gray, who noted the way the supposed bodyguards were holding their Cosmos and laughing. Gaily. Many other gay boys in the bar were swooning and pointing at Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas, who was fetchingly dressed to the nines, as if she were a TV matinee icon. Really, though, Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas -- can you tell Hearsay likes reciting her name? It sounds so regal, so special, so made up. In that spirit, Hearsay will make up a similar name for the next gay man it meets. It won't take long, keep reading. So, Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas is in reality just a cable TV reality show star, specifically a designer for TLC's popular home makeover show Trading Spaces. Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas is notorious for her adventures in stapling straw on the wall of a lesbian couple-with-young-kid's living room. It's as brilliant and classy and kid-friendly as it sounds. But what brings Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas to these regions? Was she scheming about remodeling 30 Degrees? Actually, it'd be safer for all if she let her fellow Trading Spaces decorator Vern “Do-Da” Yip handle 30 Degrees, since his queer eye is more fashion-sensible.  Anyway, Hearsay never learned the reason why the Atlanta-based Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas in town, because her gaggle of swishy, bodyguard-sized gay men were intimidating, and Hearsay's cultivated charm of seduction wasn't having any effect with this brute force. Next time, Hearsay will slip some Viagra into their drinks and shout “Free for all!” hoping that they part the wall long enough for Hearsay to get close to Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas. Oh, Miss Hildi Santo-Tomas, how Hearsay so wants to feel your staple gun pressed hard against its much-in-need-of stapling buttocks…

And speaking of celebrity divas, Bonnie “He's So Shyamalan” Pointer took to the stage at Velvet Nation last Saturday and blew through four tunes -- one for each Pointer Sister. Okay, so it wasn't the entire Pointer Sister-hood as Velvet's ads and website info initially promised, but it was good enough. Bon-Bon got the I Love the ‘80s crowd so excited boys were jumping on stage in a clamor to touch Bon-Bon's bon-bon. Here's the scoop: Bon-Bon was originally to have been joined by her sister (and roommate) June, but apparently things have reached a boiling point in the Pointer family, so it just didn't work out. And Bon-Bon's performance wasn't even the highlight of the night. The thirty-piece dance troupe X-Faction provided that satisfaction. The locals in X-Faction -- earlier known as Urban Moves, who performed backup for Aubrey, before she abandoned us for the big wormy apple -- brought the house down with their Prince medley, dancing like it's 1999. “It was the first great night of the year,” Velvet's Ed “Neutron Dance” Bailey told Hearsay. Poor Ed, ever the athletic one, he broke his right foot playing basketball the week before, so it was all done up in a cast, and he was hobbling around on crutches. Actually, he wasn't moving around much, just enough to reach the controls on Nation's super-sized DJ console and to peer out on the dance floor, to look at the giant, 6-foot Rubik's Cube created specially for the night. It hung from the ceiling, replacing the giant disco ball in the middle of the space, answering the age-old question, how do you square a circle? Still unanswered: how do you circle a square?…

Patrick “Marry Me, Many-to-Watch” Guerriero is not just another celebrity diva of the week, though surely he'd be allowed a diva moment or two, seeing as how he is the director of the Log Cabin Republications, that quaint, important group of monied and mannered homosexuals trying to live and let live among people who'd rather see them vanquished to a remote part of the Antarctic for a very long night of poker. Either that or become Democrats. Guerriero was spotted last Thursday night at JR.'s, the night of Dining Out for Life. JR.'s was its usual boisterous adventure, a time of seeing stars and all you can drink, not mutually exclusive occurrences. Lena “Great Merciful Goddess” Lett was up on the edge of the bar's upper level, the best vantage point to see the bartenders as they lost layers of clothing as people donated to a pot ‘o money for Dining Out for Life's tremendous beneficiary Food & Friends (to see the shirtless bartenders in all their chesty glory, browse the Dining Out for Life Pages at www.metroweekly.com/scene  -- you can't miss the hunky foursome). Capital Pride's Robert “With Three You get Eggroll” York was present and accounted for, with lots of layers of clothing, none removed. York was threatening to never come out again. Seems he's getting pestered endlessly about Pride happenings. And see, he doesn't have time to be pestered endlessly. Not anymore, anyway, since he's also just assumed AIDS Walk directorship duties. As if he didn't have his hands -- and heart -- full of enough pride already…

And finally, Hearsay's last celebrity diva of the week is none other than Mary -- of Hamburger Mary's -- and her brother Titan, Lord of the Prance. Mary turned three last Tuesday night, March 16th, and celebrated by offering patrons a generous 30% off their bill. (Hearsay, for its part, had ten burgers (sans buns, Atkins, you know) and five gallons of beer, which produced a mighty hefty last-call burp.) Hearsay congratulates Glenn “Skip to the Loo” Mlaker and his immensely intensely friendly staff on hitting the three-year mark. It's all uphill from here, darling…


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