Hearsay

Sunday Mass, Lizard Lounge, Titan


Published on April 15, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

An amassing of hot boys on Easter Sunday ...
Lounging at the luxurious Lizard later on ...
Titan welcomes a circle of friends ...

How was your Easter Sunday? Cold and damp, in all probability. Not Hearsay's though. Hearsay was blind but now it sees, in vivid color, after having had a Sunday Brunch of biblical proportions at Logan Tavern, seeing as how Hearsay Easter feasted with Saul & Paul, a sight-for-sore-eyes twosome from New York who were visiting Brandon “Birdie” Dubroc and other friends. And that's not to mention all the pastel bonnets, red cherries and bulls, and tan hides Hearsay saw in a colorful April weekend in Washington. Let's start at the top, as ever. “Pray for me,” one friend asked Hearsay, who asked that Hearsay not name him, for fear that others might think he wasn't just being facetious. See, this man -- let's call him Howard -- with the sparkling smile doesn't need to be prayed for, he merely needs your pity. Poor Howard, he spent his life's savings to get tickets to both Madonna shows at the MCI Center. Now here's the funny part: he truly thought this Madonna was Jesus' mother, resurrected. Of course there was nothing immaculate about Lourdes' conception, or of the pricey Reinvention tour. What some will do for the mother of us all. Anyway, Hearsay knew just what he meant. Hearsay figuratively, sacrilegiously obliged his “pray for me” request by once again worshipping at the shrine of Blaine “Lilies of the Field” Soileau located at the House of Holy Red Bull otherwise known as Sunday Mass.

It seems there are different tactics for getting to Club Five on those Sundays when mass is commenced in front of the altar of red-lighted glass-blocks, cologne dispensed in the bathroom and hours at the gym recompensed on the dance floor. Service begins at 6 a.m., and some fired-up parishioners saunter over straight away after all other nightclubs in town call it a day. Hearsay's done it before and will do it again. Andy “King of My” Cassell was among those who did it this time, just to name one person. But it seemed more fitting for Hearsay, on Easter Sunday, to be as fresh as a summer's eve. So Hearsay went to bed ultra-early on Saturday night with the help of a quick handjob followed by a handful of Tylenol PMs. Unfortunately, Hearsay took the Tylenol PMS's instead and simply got really mellow with its cats. Me-ooooow! Eventually, Hearsay withdrew itself from the litter box, dusted itself with some homegrown catnip, and went over to Massland. There it found Soileau playing a ginned-up dance version of the gospel number "Oh Happy Day" followed by an original gospel version of “Amazing Grace.” That brought the house down, which remained packed until the lights came up, and the masses were lassoed out by Mass's Stephen “Carpenter of All Trades” Weber and Mike “Laser Tag” Leaver. Among the masses asses, Hearsay was most fond of seeing the cushy buttcheeks of homegrown international pornstar Tag “You're It“ Adams. It was Tag's birthday weekend, and he was already eagerly anticipating his big present to come later that day, when fellow porn-king Michael “What's Bigger Than Big?” Brandon was set to pop into town. Which begs the all-important question: If there's no camera to record the blessed grunt-worthy event, do porn stars still bother to screw? Hearsay may never know the answer…

After Mass, Hearsay did that brunch thing, wondering just how many porn stars would comfortably fit, daisy chain style, around Logan Tavern's community table? Hearsay then stood out in the cold for many, many, many hours because Hearsay felt like relishing the last remnants of Winter 2004. Eventually, Hearsay wound up at the Lizard for a bit of Lounging. Hearsay didn't see any Easter bunnies at Mark "Smoke Anywhere You Want" Lee's vastly popular event, but it did see giant hard-shelled Easter eggs about to hatch and Cherry 9 Director Aron “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” Wilson, back from an out-of-town business trip. And Hearsay was blown away, as always, by the beats and bass of Kostas the Greek, a DJ sensation like none other. He practically sang along to his own kind of hardy, hearty music, shouting something like, “You never quite know where I'm'a gonna go/like my mix of ‘With or Without You' and ‘How Will I Know.'” Hearsay also saw Sean “There's Nothing Like a Kostas Groove” Eagler and his boyfriend, local DJ phenom-in-the-making Rob “You Mean Except My Groove, Don't You Honey?” Harris. Also present among the reptile-crazy crowd: the 17th Street cocktailers Nick “Up The Ante” Thompson and Mike “Down The Panties” Izeta

”Look, it's not that often you meet other boys from Nebraska,” Gregg “Mutual of Homoha” Parks said as he was surrounded by two other cornhusker cowpokes -- including his friend, Joe “Farmhand” Pigg -- Tuesday, April 6, at Titan. Well, Joe, in Hearsay's experience, you can never meet enough boys from Nebraska. It's the ones from Montana -- the crazy, wild-eyed ones who live in remote little shacks and craft "neck massagers" out of plastic explosives -- that you want to steer clear of. Moo. Why was Hearsay at Titan? Why, for the fourth monthly outing of Friends of Friends D.C., a happy hour social gathering organized by D.C.'s happiest social couple, Keith “I Cater to Mark” Petrack and Mark “I Cater to Keith” Morgan. They ought to cater to the pigs-in-blankets, if you ask Hearsay. Among the friends who appeared, like magic: Rusty “I Hate Being Wet but I don't Mind Using It” Kelly and Joey “607!” McNair, both of whom told Hearsay big, important, World-Policy Defining secrets that Hearsay will take with it to its grave or to the next congressional hearing it's asked to testify at, whichever comes first. (Which reminds Hearsay -- it hasn't dropped Barney Frank's name in a while and Hearsay just deplores itself for passing over the former Teen Titan from Massachusetts for so long.) Back to some semblance of reality: The friends filled up Titan's middle, which is also being filled up on its own, Hearsay discovered, through an elevated seating area that's being constructed, seemingly to better accommodate TV viewing parties. That Glnn "American Chopper" Mlaker, always surprising Hearsay with something new. In fact, Hearsay heard a rumor that, in honor of Hearsay's upcoming 10th Birthday, Glnn is considering naming a burger after Hearsay. It's still under development and may not be on the menu before Fall of 2008, but an unreliable source told Hearsay that this particular Hamburger Mary's yumburger would be fashioned from 100% Fat-Free, Florida-Bred Gator Belly and will be served with a heap of onions, pickles, relish, another heap of onions, mustard, sauerkraut, a gherkin or two, yet another heap of onions (this time the adorable little smelly green ones), a slathering of strawberry jam and a side of Aussie-brand Ostrich egg salad. Hearsay's tummy is getting all rumbly just thinking about it…


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