Truly Yours

How to find a lesbian girlfriend? Great sex but not over the ex?

By Lena Lett
Published on June 10, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Truly Yours by Lena Lett


Dear Lena,

I am a 33-year-old lesbian and, to top things off, I'm not completely out. My problem is that in all of my adult life, I have not been able to find a girlfriend. All of the women I've met have turned out to just want a few minutes of making out or to use me as a taxicab. I've tried online singles ads, but they have also been a big disappointment. What's worse, now I have a crush on a woman who shows no interest in me at all other than to politely speak to me at work. Ironically, I am always getting approached by guys, but rarely by women, which is very frustrating. Please tell me what I can do to fix this and finally find a girlfriend.

-- Missing Miss Lesbian

In a world where instant gratification is highly prized, we simply set ourselves up for repeated failures in our search for lasting love. Miss Lesbian, you need to take a step back and take a deep breath. Yes, life is not fair and it's enormously frustrating to have all these men hitting on you when you just want a nice girl to fill a U-Haul with, but you're the one who knows what you're looking for. So, where will you find her? I'm sorry to say, I cannot answer that.

But you can. Ask yourself: What am I seeking? Where can it be found? How do I get myself to the place where I'll find it? If you're looking for, say, a woman who shares your passion for the outdoors, then get yourself outdoors right now by joining gay and lesbian outdoor groups such as Adventuring. Search for the woman you want, don't just wait for her to wander into your field of vision.

As for the crush, if there is no response, then be done with it. Connecting with another is one of the most important things we as human beings do, and you will know when the connection is right. Stop beating yourself up when patience should be your comfort.


Dear Lena,

I'm in love with this girl at college, and she claims to be in love with me, too. The problem is that just before we started hanging out and stuff, she came out of a very serious relationship that lasted almost nine years. She is obviously not over her ex. One minute she says she doesn't think she loves her ex anymore, the next minute she says, I need to try to get back with my ex to find out for sure if I love her or not. Which I think is a load of crap at best and the most selfish thing she could do to her ex at worst. I haven't felt like this for anyone in a long time and I want to be with her, but I don't know if she really loves me or not. Although I think I see love in her eyes when she looks at me, I'm worried that I'm being taken for a ride. She's in all my classes and I need help.

--Spaz

P.S. I forgot to mention that we have great sex, the best I've ever had. Maybe this sounds corny, but I'm the kind of girl who needs to feel at least some love for her partner to have the kind of pleasure I have with my girlfriend. But if she doesn't feel the way she says, I'm worried I'll just be fucked up.

If after nine years this girl found a reason to leave, there should be no reason to go back. It sounds as if she is longing for what was and could have been. That's existing, not living. She doesn't need to get back with the other girl to find out if she still loves her -- she had nine years to figure that out and she left! The question is, does she love you? If she is still focused on the past and insists on dwelling in her history, there then there will be little room left for you. Dragging drama from the past onto a new stage is a show of reruns no one wants to see. You must help her break free of that old relationship, or, if she is unwilling to face the future with you, you must break free of her.

Truly Yours,

Lena

Lena's here to help. Email your questions to lena@metroweekly.com or fill out her handy webform at www.metroweekly.com.