Truly Yours

Online dating? Trust issues?

Lena Lett
Published on October 7, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Truly Yours by Lena Lett

Dear Lena,

I have been single for two years now. I'm in my late thirties -- I've found that I'm more serious now than I was in my younger, party days. As I am ready to start dating again I don't want to go the bars or look for possible relationships from one-night stands. I have been getting involved in some of the things I enjoy doing now and looking for social settings -- book readings, farmer's market, organizations, etc. -- that might allow me the opportunity to meet new people. While I have met some people not much has come out of it. I'm looking for some other methods to meet more new people. My friends are strongly encouraging me to use an online dating service. I am not interested in hooking up. Do you have any suggestions for how to use online services, specific recommendations, or other ways to meet more new people? Thanks for your advice.

-- Single and looking

Dear one, there are a myriad of on-line want-to-get-to-know-you sites. Although, I must be the first to admit that I know very little about them. A friend recently asked me, "Have you been on Manhunt yet?" To which I responded, “Bitch, I have been on a man hunt my whole life!”

Seeing that I had no clue what on earth she was talking about, my friend kindly took me online and enlightened me. Now I understand the online world enough to tell you that while most sites are geared towards a hook-up, you can find many sites that take a more conservative, dating-oriented approach. I am sure I will tell my age by this, but I have to say that I still prefer to go to the store to shop. Developing and find relationships should not be “convenient.” It should take work. We are investing in another human being all of our hopes and fears, dreams and love. Why would I want the TV dinner when I could have the home-cooked meal? My advice is this: Give a dating and relationship oriented web service a try and see how it goes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, after all. But at the same time, avail yourself of the places where gay men congregate -- in fact, on-line dating my open up a plethora of new possibilities for you. And be sure to give things the time they need -- just showing up once for a social event doesn't guarantee you a mate, after all. Patience pays, whether on-line or in the real world.


Dear Lena,

I am a 23-year-old male who had a terrible break-up. I have been single for four years now. I realize that I have issues with trust. My last relationship really took a toll on me. When I learned it was a deception, my world crumbled. My ex had serious issues with monogamy and I was witness to it. Granted, I dumped him and have since moved on and gaining tools for life. However, I feel as if I may be single for a while before I find someone cute and substantive, not superficial. Any help you can offer me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

-- Stuck on single

My, we certainly do have a theme this week! Now, you should be proud with what you did -- you decided not to settle for being second (or third, or fourth) best for your ex, and there is nothing wrong with that. I recall a beautiful Latin man I dearly loved telling me that I should be OK with the fact that he was having sex with other men because that was part of his culture and that is what he needed. Well, bitch, that is not what I need.

My point is that you need to value yourself enough to make the hard decisions, even if it is a bitter pill but its all up to you. Will you be alone forever? Only if you allow the sadness to overcome you. Joy is a contagious emotion -- once you get it, everyone around you is infected. It's like smallpox, but better and more socially acceptable! I am not trying to sound like Tony Robbins (I have better teeth) but while the decision you made was a difficult and lonely one, it will not be that way forever. Do not allow this drama to infect your future relations. Honey, you are 23 -- I have dresses older then you. While everything seems so final at your age, trust me that it is not. Treat your past as a learning experience: Take the good, leave the rest and move on!

Are you facing a problem in your life and wondering where to turn? Lena is here to help! Send your questions to lena@metroweekly.com.