I've been living with my roommate, who I met through a City Paper ad, for two years. At first, I was deep in the closet. Over the past year, however, I've been coming out slowly but surely. Last week, I came out to my roommate, both for the sake of practicality and honesty. We have different schedules and so we've never really talked that often or seen each other much, so I guess I never could have predicted how homophobic he would turn out to be. Now that he knows that I'm gay, he wants me out of the apartment. He wasn't rude about it, but he says he "doesn't feel comfortable" living with me now. I say if he has a problem with it, he should be the one who moves out, but he's not budging. I don't want this to get ugly -- what do I do?
-- Hating My Domestic Drama
Stop dusting the apartment in a tizzy -- that would make anyone nervous! Start by communicating to him that you are the same person, and get him to address some of his fears. My guess is that he believe that people knowing you are gay will lead to an assumption that he is gay as well. If the issue can't be resolved, there's no clear-cut "rule" about which one of you needs to go. Yes, he should get with the program and not give a rat's ass about your sexuality. But there have also been two years of him not knowing something -- your closetedness notwithstanding -- that it would have been fairer for him to know upfront before the two of you agreed to be roommates. If he feels as uncomfortable as he says he does, then he will move out. Bear in mind, however, that an unhappy home situation plays heavy on one's mind. If you do not have harmony in your home, it's a sure bet you won't have it in other areas of your life either. You may need to weigh that if the situation persists and make the move yourself for your own sanity.
Three months ago, I came out as a lesbian and I'm now in my first girl-girl relationship. Things are starting to get physical and my girlfriend brought up something I hadn't even heard of: fisting. She explained the concept to me, but I don't know if I'm entirely comfortable with it. How safe is fisting? Is there a great risk of internal damage?
-- On the Fence
Out only three months and already someone wants to shove a fist up there. My word! Fisting is yet another form of sexual contact. As with most things, if you are not careful and safe, damage can be done. If it's something that interests you, it would behoove you to rent a video that involves this act, or find a book on the subject. It's certainly not something you're likely to enjoy if you feel uptight about it, and if you're still uncomfortable after some research on the topic, don't do it. There are plenty of ways -- or so I'm told by our Sapphic sisters -- to enjoy hot lesbian lovin' without becoming your girlfriend's hand puppet.
I did the online hookup thing with someone who turned out to live less than two blocks from my building in Dupont. It wasn't the worst experience in the world, but it's certainly not worth repeating. Now, it seems like I run into the guy everywhere I go -- and he can't seem to take the hint that I'm not interested in seeing him again. I don't want to be rude, but it's really wrecking my nerves. Sometimes I dread another run-in with him so much that I don't even go out when I need to do something as basic as running into the Safeway. I feel like a prisoner in my own apartment! Maybe he'll see this in your column and get a clue -- or maybe you know of some other way to help me out of this pickle.
Honey, honesty is going to be the only thing that will save your nerves. You have to tell him the truth, in no uncertain terms: "I had a good time but I am not interested in pursuing it any further." The longer you avoid setting him straight on this issue, the longer you will feel like you're hiding out. Washington is a small community when it comes right down to it, and I've said it before: learn a lesson from dogs -- don't shit where you eat! When you do online hookups and one-night stands, often you will start running into your tricks everywhere. It's the nature of the beast.
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