Truly Yours

Gay sex partners won't accept his bisexuality? Secret shame moving her out-of-state?

by Lena Lett
Published on October 2, 2003, 12:00am | Comments

Truly Yours by Lena Lett

Dear Lena,

I'm a 27-year-old bisexual male and I'm married to a female. My problem is that I'm a true bisexual -- I honestly enjoy sex with females and males and I'd never want to give up either. When I have sex with my wife, it's a wonderful loving experience. When I have sex with guys, it's recreation. Some guys like to drink, play cars, etc. I like getting off.

The problem with being a true bisexual is that many gay guys go nuts when I tell them I'm married. I feel it's right to let them know because I want to make it clear that I'm looking for recreational sex, not a relationship. They accuse me of denying my sexuality, say that I'm really gay and living a lie, and many other hateful things.

I can't understand it. I'm being honest, I don't condemn anyone else for their sexual preference, and I'm a nice decent guy. Why do these gay guys have to be so angry about another human being's sexual preference? Of all people, I'd think a gay guy would think it's okay to be "different!" I don't want to lie and not tell guys I meet that I'm not single. I don't thinks it's fair to them. But, I'm tired of the reaction I get from many gay guys.

--Happy Married Bi

What an interesting question. I think the anger you're sensing is not from your choice in sexual partners but instead in the manner in which you approach it. You state that some men like to drink, play cards, etc., while you just like to get off. You have compared something intimate and involving another human being to something inanimate and divorced of feelings and emotions. You've just reduced an act that is to be shared as physical and emotional to nothing more than mechanical.

No one likes to be used, and by your own admission you are simply using these men for your pleasure. There are lots of gay men who are into sex for the sake of getting off, so perhaps you have not found the right ones yet. I should hope we are all called to something a little better however. Otherwise we are nothing more than well-dressed and groomed animals with good taste.

However, I have a few parting questions for you. What type of message are you sending your wife? I know of few wedding vows that allow for the behavior that you describe. Is this fair to her or is she simply being used as well?

Dear Lena,

I feel like I have my true self inside of me and can't let it out. I haven't told my family and friends that I like girls. I am 20 years old and at the prime time in my life, but I can't do what I like out of shame. I was thinking of moving to another state. What do I do? By the way, I am female.

--Bottled Up

I get you like girls. Well, I mean, I understand you like girls. I am not sure I get it, but that's another story all together. I do not, however, get why you feel so much shame. Moving to another state is a mere change in geography -- do you believe that a new set of hills or an ocean view will suddenly make you feel less ashamed? The issue you must face is how to come to embrace who and what you are and shed the feelings of guilt imposed upon you by years of teaching and indoctrination. Moving will serve to complicate your situation and it's a real pain in the ass as well. Wrestle with your demon here and now -- avoiding it will only waste your time and energy.

Truly Yours,


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