Truly Yours

Nineteen, gay, and too desperate for a relationship? Advice on meeting black lesbians?

by Lena Lett
Published on February 26, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Truly Yours by Lena Lett

Dear Lena,

I am 19-years-old and have been out for almost two years. I've only been in one relationship, which ended after three weeks when he cheated on me the night after I gave up my virginity to him. My problem is that I go to a very conservative college that does not attract a large openly gay population, and I am not into the club/bar scene so I have trouble meeting guys. Recently, when talking to someone I had found through online personals, he told me he would not be my first serious relationship because he did not feel I was ready for one. I personally feel like I am long overdue for a relationship, but he says that I should stop looking so hard for one. But I want a relationship so much because it seems like everyone else around me has someone. I don't know how to stop looking for something that I want with all my heart. How do I let love find me instead of searching so hard for it, as this guy says I need to do?

-- Lonely in Baltimore

Miss Thing, he cheated on you two weeks into your relationship, the night after you lost your virginity to him -- my grandmother said it best: "Men are dogs!" That particular child had issues, so you should grieve and move on. Put him out of your head and chalk him up as another toad you must kiss before getting to the prince. As for your current search, you have somewhat limited yourself by not being into the club/bar scene, but remember that gay men are like American Express: they're everywhere you want to be, even in conservative colleges.

     What alarms me is your measuring stick. No, not that one honey -- I mean the one that's telling you that you have to be in a relationship because everyone around you is in one. Remember, we are all different. When you judge yourself by what you perceive as the success of others, you only set yourself up for failure. Also, immediately talking about serious relationships with someone you just met online usually scares the crap out of most boyz. Think of a relationship as putting something on layaway. The potential for it is there if you want it -- if you take time and work at it, you can get it. Slow down, stop judging yourself, and seek the friendship first. All else will follow. It's a slow path, but I assure you it's worth the wait.

Dear Lena,

I just moved to the area about four months ago and I can't ever find anywhere to go that has events somewhat catering to the African-American females. I was wondering if you had any suggestions and advice on how to meet women.

-- Stranded in VA

Short of rushing to a tractor pull or the LPGA tour, you should check Metro Weekly's Community Calendar and Nightlife listings for events that may catch your interest. You should also pick up the local lesbian magazine WOMO (available online as well at I have two very close African-American lesbian friends who once dragged me (no pun intended) to a professional women's basketball game -- Magic, Mystics, who knows the name of the team, but my word, there were lesbians for as far as the eye could see. Everywhere you turned there seemed to be another one. I had never felt so feminine in all my life. As for meeting women, get involved, be yourself, and have fun. You'll be sure to meet plenty of people with that approach.

Truly Yours,


Have a problem you can't solve on your own? Feeling lonely and lost in your search for love? Just need a shoulder for support during a rough time? Lena's here to help. Send your questions to