Truly Yours

Is this a relationship yet? Personal ad attracting wrong type? Where can I find the perfect man?

By Lena Lett
Published on April 8, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Truly Yours by Lena Lett

Dear Lena,

Oh wise and wonderful knower of all things, I have a dilemma and was wondering if you could bless me with your counsel. A few weeks back I ended a two-year relationship and I think I'm ready to find me a new man. But those things can be some elusive little buggers(pun intended). I've met one or two guys, but they both seemed to have cracked open their heads on the very shallow ends of the character and gene pools. Oh great oracle of Lett, can you please help me find a good man? I'm not really that picky, I just need him to have big brain with wit, an even bigger heart (plus any other large qualities he may have), and be able to take him out in public without being accused of making him myself out of tin foil and tooth picks. Where, oh where, oh vaunted one, can I find him?

-- In Awe and Lonely

If I could conjure up a man like that do you think I would be wearing women's clothing and giving you advice? Seriously, it seems to me that you have your own very precise expectations of what you want. You want brains -- that reminds me of a story. I once took this young man home to meet my grandmother. After they had a chance to chat I asked her, "Well, what do you think? I know he's not that smart." To which she replied, You can read and write. That's not the gift he needs to bring to the table. Be careful not to eliminate a potential mate because he does not fit the exact mold you have set. We do not always fit into the expectations of others. Men are everywhere, so put your best self forward and let them find you. When you expend all your energy on the search you only find yourself frustrated or, worse, settling for second best.

Dear Lena,

I'm not sure if I'm currently in a relationship or not. I have been seeing this woman for about four and a half months and everything is good, but she doesn't want to put a stamp on us as being IN an relationship because she says it complicates things. Maybe its just me and I'm rushing things but it seems like its been a long time that we've been with each other and I don't know what our status is. What should I do?

-- Dumbfounded

You need some sense of definition. Bear in mind that in the grand scheme of things four months and change is not a lot of time. Her unwillingness to label your relationship for "complication issues" seems to be luggage from past experiences, which she may need some help in dealing with. If you need this label, as I sense you do, you have to confront the issue with her. Are we friends or are we lovers, because as I rule I do not sleep with my friends. Well, perhaps that one time when I was drunk and he helped me off with my pantyhose. But what boundaries are established and adhered to will help you label this relationship. Remember, a relationship requires equal commitments of honesty and love. Far too often we let past relationships dictate our perceptions of future ones. She may have some cleaning to do before you get the label you need. Patience will bring the future. For now, enjoy what you have and work through this with communication.

Dear Lena,

I recently placed a personal ad. While I did not specify that I was looking for a LTR or a BF, I think maybe I should have. The men who responded to my ad were mainly attached. Nine out of ten of them have either a boyfriend, husband or wife! Is the dating pool that dismal for a single gay male in D.C.? In my ad, I stated that sex was cool, and that dating would be an option. Did I do something wrong, or are there just no single guys out there who answer ads?

-- Flustered in Logan Circle

Honey, when using a tool such as a personal ad you have to be specific about what you are looking for. Ambiguity breeds problems. Make it clear to the reader what you are seeking, in this case a single gay man. The dating pool is not that dismal, you just entered the pond with the wrong bathing-suit on.

Truly Yours,