Hearsay

By Metro Weekly Contributor on September 25, 2002

The New Miss Z’s has bosoms to spare, but where was Blair?Â…
Karens and Jacks overrun last Sunday’s Lizard LoungeÂ…
The Kennedy Center gets a little gayÂ…

At almost precisely but not exactly 2:52 a.m., Monday, September 23, Cricket was crowned as the new Miss Ziegfeld’s 2003. Cricket — just Cricket — who one pageant observer noted "worked her tranny ass off to win this," is the first transsexual to hold the city’s most coveted drag title. Interestingly, the Richmond, Va. contestant took first runner up to Blair Michaels at last year’s Miss Z’s. Even more interestingly, Blair was a no-show at this year’s pageant, which is odd since it’s typical for any departing title-holder to sing one last song (and grab as many dollars as she can) before the adoring crowd. Whither Blair? Hearsay heard a story that’s too scandalous to put in print. Sorry. In any case, Cricket should make a fine Miss Z’s, what with her extra-extra-extra-buxom bosom. She’s like an Ultra-Ultra-Ultra-Vixen — with, by the way, enough candy left to surprise any curious straight boyÂ…

Hearsay was slithering about aimlessly last Sunday night when it wriggled into Lizard Lounge to check out the WB50 Will & Grace Jack and Karen audition promo (the show made its syndication bow on the station this week). Participants stand in front of a big-ass video camera and recite either a classic Jack or Karen. The winner (culled from auditions held in three other clubs in addition to the Lounge, as well as Adams Morgan Day) wins a \$10,000 shopping spree at IKEA. Lounge host Mark "Brunch Buddy" Lee, dressed in his customary Dapper BlackÂ™, introduced Hearsay to WB50 promotions director Gloria Jones, who promptly asked Hearsay if it would like to audition. Hearsay declined on the grounds that it’s still trying to assemble the IKEA cutting board it bought five years ago. Gloria noted that several men had done superb Karen auditions. "We have some better Karens here than the women at other clubs have done," she confided, adding that "this is the only alternative bar we’ve done." Gloria, honey, the word is GAY. G-A-Y. Gay-fucking-gay. Say it with me now, girl: GAAAAAAY. God. Hearsay tracked down a few audition-ees, including Jayendu, a UofMDer who chose to recite a Karen line. "I could have done better," he admitted glumly. If he wins, the first thing he’ll buy from IKEA is "a bed. Definitely a bed." Well, it beats sleeping in a sling. Lounge regular Noah "Wanna See My Ark?" Turkus auditioned, though he claimed that he and his roomie Joe Joe "One Name’s Not Enough" Ward had no idea that the auditions were occuring. They joined in the fun at the pleasantly persistent behest of perky recruiter Chris "Put Your Finger in My Clipboard" Bowling, whose Lite-Brite smile seemed to stretch from here to eternity. Joe Joe felt confident that he had nailed Jack (not to mention earlier reported nailings of Bob, Ted, Bill, Dave and a guy named Sue). And if he wins? "I’m gonna buy a bed for Noah. Right now he’s sleeping on an air mattress and every time he brings someone home, it’s like ‘Come and play on my Moon Bounce.’" Well, it’s a great way to collect loose changeÂ…

After the Summer of Sondheim, Hearsay didn’t think the Kennedy Center could get any gayer. How wrong it was, thanks to the sky-high homo factor at the Sing-A-Long Sound of Music several Saturdays ago. If you’re unfamiliar with the event, everyone dresses up in costume as their favorite character or element from the 1965 film, which is subtitled with song lyrics. Hearsay chatted with several costumed folks in the lobby before the show, including Jon "When the Bees Sting" Gann and graphics wizard Dan "When the Dog Bites" Kaufman, who noted that they were going to the Eagle directly after the show to rid themselves of any lingering saccharine feelings. John "IHOP" Abbot came as “Tea with Jam and Bread,” and Jim Slattery came as a "Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String" (though allegedly this is nothing new for Jim). Hearsay would prefer not to recall the woman dressed as "Whiskers on Kittens." QUICK, BRING HEARSAY BOURBON AND SUPHURIC ACID ON ICE! Hearsay is still lusting after Jason, the KC staffer who co-hosted the pre-show events. In his lederhosen, dress shoes and sheer socks, that boy is a fetish waiting to happen, and just thinking about him makes Hearsay’s Lonely Goatherd stand to attentionÂ…

Support Metro Weekly’s Journalism

These are challenging times for news organizations. And yet it’s crucial we stay active and provide vital resources and information to both our local readers and the world. So won’t you please take a moment and consider supporting Metro Weekly with a membership? For as little as $5 a month, you can help ensure Metro Weekly magazine and MetroWeekly.com remain free, viable resources as we provide the best, most diverse, culturally-resonant LGBTQ coverage in both the D.C. region and around the world. Memberships come with exclusive perks and discounts, your own personal digital delivery of each week’s magazine (and an archive), access to our Member's Lounge when it launches this fall, and exclusive members-only items like Metro Weekly Membership Mugs and Tote Bags! Check out all our membership levels here and please join us today!

Hearsay

By Metro Weekly Contributor on September 11, 2002

Hearsay goes jeans crazy at U-Gear’s Fashion ShowÂ…
Mayor Williams goes triangle crazy on 17thÂ…
The newest crowns in townÂ…

See more of MW’s Exclusive Online Photos from Universal Gear’s Denim Fashion Show.

Denim Talk got quite a rise out of Hearsay last Saturday, September 7, at Universal Gear’s blue jeans fashion show, held at Velvet "Military Maneuvers" Nation. Hearsay got lost in the numbers as Trevor "Timberlake" Blackwood spoke of 9, 10, 12 and 13 inches from the crotch, until Hearsay realized he wasn’t talking about the personal attributes of the beefy models — though from what we were able to see, those models had the kind of inches Supersize Rulers only dream about. Blackwood, buyer for Universal Gear’s ever-expanding empire (Washington, New York, Chicago, Atlanta, South Dakota, Anchorage, and a small, well-appointed hut on the Fiji Islands), worked with UG’s marketing director, Ricardo "Rivet Me" Zapata, on the evening’s show. The expeditious fifteen-minute set (because you can’t interrupt a dancing queen’s dancing for too long lest they turn irritable and petulant) starred seven studs strutting their stuff, surrounded by screaming fans and snapping paparazzi. Hearsay nearly added a new finish to its G-Star Streaky Jeans when model Lou grabbed model Anthony from behind and proceeded to rip his shirt off. Mark and Alan followed by simulating the start of a cockfight, circling each other in a hyper-masculine way. Sadly, no cocks were produced. All the onstage antics left Hearsay panting for a breather backstage, where things were even more surreal. "Watch where you put your jeans," came the command from the night’s de-facto high-school gym teacher, as the boys changed in and out and out and in. Brian "Hot Rocks" Petro had the honor of branding the boys’ backsides while Warren "High on Energie" Channell got to be the boys’ cummerbunded escort to the stage. Hot-bod and pretty-face model Mike, seen hypnotizingly gyrating and belly-dancing in an Italian-flag G-string after the show, flopped around backstage in tightie-whitey 2(x)ist boxer briefs for no apparent reason. He was soon joined by Tom "Levi Strauss" Gaynor, Universal Gear’s leading model of the moment, in even tighter, whiter, square-cut underwear. The mostly gay crowd was every bit as hot as the mostly straight models, and certainly more randy — a good proportion of the dancing queens had already gotten the Universal Gear memo and were wearing designer denims riding just above "see level." DJ Manny Lehman provided the night’s beats, while Aubrey gave her usual spirited performance, throwing herself to the floor at one point and losing her jewels in the audience. Hopefully Lloyds of London will pony up for Aubrey’s reported claim of $10 trillion or the equivalent of the National Debt, whichever’s higher at the moment. All worked up by a late night of denim debauchery, Hearsay decided to stop by Universal Gear the next day and try on a few jeans for fun and profit (Universal Gear’s, certainly not Hearsay’s). The overeager sales clerk (think of a Yorkshire Terrier on a Red Bull overload) enthusiastically explained the art to wearing this must-have fashion. "Youwanttowearjeansonesizelargerthanyounormallywouldsoyoucanpushthemdownprettylow," he helpfully yipped, his words merging into one. Prithee, why? "Theextraroominthewaistandlegsinviteshandstoroamdownthere." Hearsay needed more convincing, and with that led the hapless and adorable clerk by the dog collar to the changing rooms for a hands-on demonstration. Woof, woofÂ…

Hearsay extends congratulations (but no money and no sexual favors to) Barbara Herr for winning First Runner Up at the recent Miss Continental Pageant held in Chicago. Barbara was sent there courtesy Chaos, which runs the Miss First Lady DC Continental, an official preliminary to the event. Carlos Aguilar and Meni Peri, the men behind the local prelim, promise an even better pageant this May. Meanwhile, over on the Southeast side of town, the lovely Diana "Bustin’ Out" Bastillo took the Miss Ardiente crown at Sheridan’s, but rumor has it she won’t be performing until she resolves something about a jacket and a sticky-fingered dresser with the club’s owner, Steve "Tony Soprano" SabatiniÂ…

Was that Mayor Anthony "It’s Okay if You Spell it Wrong, just don’t call me Chad" Williams stumping for the gay vote on 17th Street last Saturday night? Indeed it was, slapping adhesive-backed pink triangles on anyone who came within a foot of his honor’s campaigning presenceÂ…