Hearsay
Mr. DC Eagle, Apex, Halo, Green Lantern
The unauthorized scoop on the new Mr. DC Eagle…
Shopping till dropping, then dancing…
Is 26 really that old? Yes, it is…
Did anyone else notice the picture of Mr. D.C. Eagle in last week’s edition? (If not, you can peruse it in the Scene section.) This guy is — how does Hearsay put this politely: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrralicious. Hearsay just wants to leap into his arms and say “Spank me, daddy, I’ve been a bad little girl.” To which Hearsay imagines him saying, “There, there now, we’ll let your mommy do the spanking. Let me just pet you instead.” Okay, maybe that’s a bit tawdry, even for Hearsay, but well, you know. Anyway, Hearsay did a little snooping and learned that the new Mr. D.C. Eagle’s name is Scott “Alias Smith and” Jones, that he moved here recently from Chad City, Florida, where he allegedly worked as (in no particular order) a fireman, a policeman, an insurance adjuster, a medical examiner, a singing waiter, a dancing busboy, a sea captain, a French Chef, a tax attorney, and a full-time daddy. And he was born with that perfect hairy chest. (Apparently, his mother said, upon seeing him in the delivery room, “Honey, we’ve had a well-groomed fur ball with muscles. I wonder if he’ll be gay?”) Hearsay was going to attempt to reach Mr. Jones for comment, but it got lazy, then it got drunk, then it forgot, and by that time it was deadline. So perhaps in a future column, if he’s still talking to Hearsay….
A few Fridays ago, Hearsay took on the shopping malls of America (well, Virginia, really, because all you have in Maryland is Waldorf and, c’mon, who wants to go there?), in an effort to find the perfect gift for a perky little Twink it calls Evon the Elf. Evon will only accept expensive items, so Hearsay only visited the very best stores, including Spencer Gifts and B.J.’s. So after buying a new flat-screen plasma HDTV and then an iPod and then a Nintendo DS and then a neon poster of Bon Jovi, and then a talking novelty candy cane that said saucy things like “Lick me!” and “Whoops, I’ve stained it again,” Hearsay was spent. But it had a few dollars left over to make it to Apex, where it took to the floor and danced the night away to the sounds of DJ Tony "Velcro" Velasco. Among those on the dance floor alongside Hearsay: Steve "Duck Duck" Goosey who was using a turkey baster on Shane “On You” Maye and a chicken who will remain nameless but whose feathers were very clearly of the soft and downy variety…
Remember the day you got old? The day everybody congratulated you, even threw you a party, buying you a lifetime’s worth of Depends? The day AARP sent its welcome letter? Turning 26 is such a bitch. Brad "Don’t Cry For Me" Russi and John "Cry for Me Instead" Coombs acted as if they just got old last month. At least they faced up to their advancing years by throwing a party a few weeks ago for all their friends. Hearsay snuck in to see their new pads — both Coombs and Russi recently moved to separate apartments on the same floor in the same building on Vermont Avenue. Un-fucking-canny. Among the celebrants who watched the boys grow old before their very eyes (many of whom followed the boys to Halo later that night): Jake "Febreze Me" Fabbri, George "Commander Me" Maestre, Diego "Brazil Nut" Silva and Coetzee "Maxi Pads" Pretorius. And then there was Dan "Do It To It" Hewitt, who apparently soiled Coombs’ bedspread. Hearsay didn’t ask how. But Hearsay does have to ask: did revelers get a taste of Coombs’ sausage? Maybe with a cube of cheese on a cracker? And did you eat Russi’s pig in a blanket? Before Hewitt apparently soiled it, that is….
A few quick bits: The Green Lantern is still accessible, fellas. Just because there is construction blocking the 14th Street alley you’re used to walking down, doesn’t mean you can’t journey a half a block more, turn left on L Street, journey another half a block and saunter across the parking lot to the nirvana that awaits you…. In case you haven’t noticed, there is a new club opening in town: Heat. It’s in the spot formerly known as La Cage and, according to the new proprietors, it will retain its naked boyish appeal. An opening date has yet to be set, but Hearsay hears it’s soon, so keep your tipping dollars at the ready…. News flash: Sunday Mass is not returning…. News flash: Sunday Mass is returning!… News Update: It’s not returning… News Flashy Washy: It is returning…. News Fuh-lash: It’s not returning. Too bad, Hearsay misses the prayer sessions….
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