Heavenly Round-Up: Are you feeling lucky, punk? I hope not. It’s not the time or place to let important outcomes hang on merest chance and serendipity. You’ll get more done by forging ahead, pushing through and fighting for what’s right until the dust settles and wiser heads give you the all-clear. Don’t try to clear your name, or see justice done on the fast track. Some things require more time for resolution to be reached and honor satisfied. Open your heart to a Pisces.
Aries: Is it fun that you’ve set out to acquire? If it is, then you’re going about it in a way that seems peculiarly likely to get you there the long-way ’round. Whatever else you do, don’t explain and don’t apologize. It’s not their business, and equally, it’s not your turn. Wear red.
Taurus: Sing a song of sixpence, but don’t put the money back in your pocket. You’ve had a hot tip you haven’t even recognized as such. Put that money where it will grow into the cushy future of all your fantasies. Meanwhile, resolve to entertain and make all the food yourself.
Gemini: Is it a bird? A plane? No, it’s you — soaring way up in the sky while others are so permanently bogged down in sticky, emotional matters. Have compassion on the merest mortals below. You’ll find that your super-powers are enhanced by this special connection.
Cancer: All of a sudden, it’s crunch time. Not in the physical sense — you’re feeling the emotional pressure to put your money down and take your choice. Is it irrevocable? Why, no, of course. Would it be easy to undo if you’re wrong or clutch? Why, no. Choose carefully.
Leo: You’re getting where you’re going one slow step at a time. Are you in the classical Slough of Despond? Not quite. You’re overworked and overwhelmed and over-committed, but you’re not overcome as of yet. Run a systems check for gumption reserves and get back on it.
Virgo: Who passed the Dr. Doolittle baton to you? In as much as you can’t actually talk to the animals, you may have to settle for the old-fashioned approach and stop reproaching your self and others with what can’t be helped. Let observation be your watchword. Call Taurus.
Libra: It’s easier said than done, as ever. So be very, very careful what checks your mouth is writing, as it’s body, mind and soul that will be paying the vig. Give yourself space to be the best you can. Give others the play they need to be every bit as successful. Win-win can work.
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Scorpio: You’re as world-weary as you can stare. You’ve been there, done that and written the ”For Dummies” manual. Way to go. But you needn’t feel so bored. You’re on the brink of that which will make all different, ever after. Get set for transformation from the bottom up.
Sagittarius: Funny how successful some hair-brained ideas can be. If you’re not inhibited by the silliness of the proposition, you could find yourself laughing all the way to the bank. Let words of wisdom soar way over your head. That way, you’ll be freed up to pursue foolishness.
Capricorn: Sometimes it’s who you know. Sometimes it’s what you can do. Sometimes it has to come down to how it feels. Where are you with the choices of your heart? Take thorough inventory before you present any white papers to your head. Develop your position carefully.
Aquarius: What, Horatio, have you been dreaming of? There are more things than that in heaven and earth, still. Don’t call these ideals the final destination of your life’s intent. You’ve got further to go than you can imagine. Buckle your seatbelt, it’s a bumpy ride.
Pisces: This may or may not be the time and/or the place to put a period to this phase of your existence — but it certainly feels that way. Search your heart, consult with cronies who have your best interests in mind, act decisively after cautious assessment. Walk before you run.
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Heavenly Round-Up: Maybe you’ve got it like that, and maybe you’ve fallen into believing the hype. With so much extra material swirling around the issues at hand, you’d best shoulder aside the undifferentiated matter and let your fingers do the walking to acquaint yourself with the straight dope. You can count on a sibling to give you the 4-1-1 you can’t find anywhere else. Walk the talk and you’ll stand tall when the reckoning comes.
Aries: If it’s neither here nor there, then where the hell is it? Stuff doesn’t just disappear into thin air, does it? Or, it didn’t used to. Logic dictates you’ll find what you’re looking for in the last place you look. Don’t let your frustration get in the way of checking out the obvious.
Taurus: You’d rather be enjoying the fine weather, which you think of as a natural resource. Instead, there’s work building up like thunderheads on the horizon. You can make it through the deluge, but you may need to upgrade your umbrella before the front finally passes on.
Gemini: If you’re not giving one hundred and ten percent, you have no excuse for wondering why you’re not getting the results you expected. More is demanded of you because you have so much more to give in these situations. Be brave, be noble, call a crony to confirm Sunday.
Cancer: Your dreams are so much more vivid and lively than your waking life it’s no surprise that you’re losing interest in the tedium of the day-to-day as you’ve currently arranged it. Uh oh, did I blow the whistle and name you the agent of your own boredom and dissatisfaction?
Leo: Pick your way carefully through the variations on a theme coming up for you. You’ll find that your neighborhood isn’t exactly what you’d always hoped it would be. You’ll find your ideals have shifted radically, and now you’ve got words to put to your creeping concerns.
Virgo: There’s all that and more that needs doing. Will you be the last kid on your block to get with the program and get as organized as you’d want to be to make all your dreams come true on the fast track? There’s romance budding in your heart. Are you allergic?
Libra: You could spend your last dime on the most desirable, heart-warming items and it still wouldn’t give you a lasting sensation of satisfaction. You’d do better to find someone who wants to have an endlessly detailed, frank and delicate discussion about anything at all.
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Scorpio: The heavens have opened up and rained down blessings on your undeserving head. So why are you looking all put out and cranky? Spend some time giving conscious thanks for all that you have received and all that you are about to receive. Gracious behavior often wins.
Sagittarius: Whoa! It’s confusing and exciting and enervating and irritating and alarming and it’s a lucky thing you like scaring yourself. What on earth will you do for fun when this phase settles back down? Make your plans early, there’s no sense in putting off the good times.
Capricorn: Send in the clowns, and if they don’t get all the little kids crying—nothing will. It’s that kind of irony. The harder you try, the less will work out. The more you give the less you’ll find others receptive. So let go of your good intentions and get on with pleasing you.
Aquarius: Did you offend the goddess? Did you tread on sacred ground without offering apology? Something’s a little fishy about all this funny business. Give yourself time to review and ask a colleague for input if you’re still stumped. Some problems are better solved by two.
Pisces: You might forget your own head if it weren’t tightly screwed on. You might not notice, as you’ve been more than a little distracted lately. Don’t worry, the cosmos will throw a monkey wrench into the works to allow you to take a holiday courtesy of sabotage. Cheer.
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05-17-07 Horoscope
Heavenly Round-Up: Look around you. Look, look, look — but don’t touch anything you don’t want to pay for. This is a great time to familiarize yourself with everything: the good, the bad and the ugly. This is a good time to reflect on how the past adds up to the present and lays the ground work for the future. And it’s a good time to reconnect with people, places and ideas that hold space in your psyche though little in daily life.
Aries: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…not Superman! It’s you, and you’re coming to the rescue of your own life. Yes, you’re on a collision course with the freight train of destiny — or is it a streetcar named Desire? But you have the courage and strength and heroism to change!
Taurus: You’re soft-shoeing your way through the ever increasing layers of information and data that stand between you and a peaceful resolution of these seasonal stresses. You’ve got grace and practice on your side, but don’t get complacent. There’s a change in tempo coming
Gemini: You’re racing along like a sandpiper, skirting the edge of the incoming tide and making tracks for all you’re worth. Like the Red Queen, you’re convinced it’s taking all you can do just to stay in place. Use your active imaginings to find a dialectical resolution Monday.
Cancer: Seeing yourself in the mirror that is your life, are you satisfied with the shape your life is in? If you’re over-stimulated, go on a media diet. This may also reduce stress, enhance sleep patterns and cause you to communicate more clearly and succinctly. Take a new risk.
Leo: Are you in danger of falling into the soft snares and winsome toils of all that flattery? Oddly, you might have earned all the praise being heaped upon you. Overcome modesty to claim your belated due. Allow your radiance to be recognized; your brilliance burnished.
Virgo: There’s still no place like home, right Dorothy? You’ve been solving problems the hard way, for the greater good of all. Is it your turn to get yourself home and comfortable and centered again? Take counsel from the wildest thing you can find. Wear texture Tuesday.
Libra: You’re talking and you can’t shut up. That’s OK; some of your audience really does want to hear what you’re contributing. Give yourself props for being interesting then stand down and share the podium with your peers. Keep looking for love in all the wrong places.
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Scorpio: Pull up your socks and pull yourself together. You have the resources, the network and the determination to turn sow’s ears into silk purses. Could this be any more difficult? Once you get over how whiny you’re feeling, dress for success and storm the citadel.
Sagittarius: If you’d just stop letting it all hang out so egregiously, you wouldn’t be quite so certain of offending (or putting off, at the very least) all those with whom you’ve lately come in contact. You’re better than your behavior demonstrates. You could, if you really wanted to.
Capricorn: Call it in the air, and stick to the decision made by chance and random choice. You could use the change of pace. You could use the fresh direction. You could use that spine of which you are so justly proud. Speak up, but don’t act out. You’ll see results on Saturday.
Aquarius: Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, but that’s because you won’t articulate what you’ve been going through without depersonalizing the experience to the point that it sounds more like philosophical discourse than soul-baring. Use the first person for better reception.
Pisces: Make plans to go somewhere with lots of water and plenty of time for you to be in it up to your ears. You need a long soaking, like a Boston fern. You need to refresh your soul and steep your heart in that which soothes. And you will, just as soon as the panic is over.
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Heavenly Round-Up: It’s a long and winding trail, no question. Yet you’re receiving information faster than you can find a place to put it. You’re on the brink of making emotional changes that will set you up for a brand-new, responsive paradigm. You’re gearing up to rock out and take the first steps of your journey into authentic individuation. Yes, you’ll meet someone cute, funny and hot before the weekend is out. What you choose to do about that will be entirely up to you.
Aries: You’re still a contender. You’ve got game. You’re in the zone. So why isn’t your heart’s desire getting any closer as you struggle for all you’re worth? Could you diversify your holdings and branch out into mentoring and guiding the less able? Bring everyone with you.
Taurus: The world is a tricky, sticky place. It’s filled with egotists who gum up the processes. It’s got dreamers who scatter focused intents. It’s got idealists who are inflexible to the point of brittleness. And none of these is practical enough to cut through the sludge—except you.
Gemini: Are you talking and you can’t shut up? Just make sure that what you’re saying can’t be construed as a promise or any kind of legally binding verbal agreement. The dust will settle, your brain will simmer down, and all those flying pigs will come home to roost Sunday.
Cancer: Is it a sign of the times? Is it a sign of cosmic displeasure? Is it a sign that you have an overactive imagination? It could be any of these, or all of them concurrently. You’re sensitive and there’s a reason. Don’t shut down your perceptions. Record them and review.
Leo: Let your actions do the talking and you’ll be walking tall as you sort out the miasma and get on down to brass tacks. You wish the circus would pack up and let you get back to your real life; but right now this chaos and those shifting parameters are your real life. Reconsider.
Virgo: It’s walking and talking like a duck, but that doesn’t mean it’s a duck. It could be a duck impersonator. Or a decoy. Or a lost toy. Keep your wits about you as you face down the myriad masks of the Eternal Trickster. There’re prizes to be won for those who stay practical.
Libra: Give a big shout out to your peeps who are far away. You owe it to the extended clan to put the call out and make an effort to keep the home-fires burning till everyone can gather back around. As you reconnect, you’ll find that edgy anxiety seeping quietly away. Release.
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Scorpio: It’s not all that easy, but you wouldn’t be interested if it were. That which was cloudy begins to assume a concrete form. If it’s not what you want, you’ll need to get out before the whole thing solidifies around you. Get information, seek advice, follow your heart.
Sagittarius: In the real world, serendipity doesn’t happen all that often or change things so awfully much. Or so you’ve been taught to believe. If you need a miracle, shift your belief system to include the improbable and the impossible. If you can believe, it will come true.
Capricorn: You could fall in love all over again, if you had the spare time and/or any energy left to go with it. Is this an endurance test, like running across Australia with one leg tied behind your back? Is this an exercise in absurdity? Is this a test of your resilience? Maybe.
Aquarius: Give and take can be much the same when you don’t really care what the outcome is just so long as the dialogue remains open. Be clear with yourself as to why you’re not ready to make that larger commitment. Be clear with others about how you’re deciding.
Pisces: Is this one of those times to keep your hands in your pockets and observe the look-but-don’t-touch dictum? It very well could be. Find the truth in the inch-space of your heart. You need not share, but you’ll want to know what you’re up to with no varnish on it. Reveal.
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Heavenly Round Up: Is this the fullness of time about which one hears so very much? If so, then why are you tap-dancing for all you’re worth to sell the concept that ought to be accepted on its own merits? This isn’t the final push for which you’ve been preparing, but this is certainly a preliminary, even a trial run, for the endgame you’ve set into motion. Use planning to save yourself some time in the long run. Use your words to share your feelings, and you’ll save yourself some heartache immediately.
Aries: Is this a rabbit hole you see before you? Are you Alice enough to let go and fall into the improbable with aplomb? Get in touch with your sense of the ridiculous and you’ll have nothing to fear as you bravely rush in where Dodo birds fear to tread. Share any prizes.
Taurus: Wish on a falling star, but be ready to put your back into it for the long haul. You’ll get where you’re going. You’ll enjoy in style along the way. But don’t think of yourself as being in a hurry. There’s nothing to be gained by rushing the creation of a great vintage.
Gemini: Look well, but don’t touch. Maybe even keep your hands in your pockets: they give away your moods too readily. Defer acting on your desires at present. There’s more in play than you can know and a few months worth of patience never killed anybody. Seek a pet.
Cancer: These are the times that send you spiraling up and plummeting downward with increasing velocity and decreasing regularity. You don’t have to fall prey to your intuitions. You could regulate your diet, exercise and sleep patterns. You could supplement. Will you?
Leo: With visions of Utopia dancing in your head, and the distractions of the demands your heart is making on your daily life, it’s hard to take care of the basic maintenance routines. Can they be delegated? Can they be abrogated? Prioritize, and pay for outside assistance.
Virgo: You’ve seen it all one way and another. You’re not jaded, but you’re not wet behind the ears by a long shot. Can you open yourself to the possibility that there are still more things in heaven and earth than you’ve yet dreamt of? Go with the least likely solution.
Libra: Call ’em like you see ’em and don’t try to soften the news too egregiously. Your audience is better prepared to be displeased than you are to cause them grief. Relax and remember to tell the truth and the whole truth, too. Make Saturday an impromptu party.
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Scorpio: How does your garden grow Mary, Mary? Are you still quite contrary, or has the lovely weather and the flourishing of all growing things softened your knee-jerk negativity? You’ll get what you need with wisdom and compassion and no more effort than bullying is.
Sagittarius: The hunt is on for the Holy Grail of uttermost fulfillment. You won’t rest until you’re brimming with meaningfulness. Can those around you withstand the strain of your disregard for the here and now? Will you sacrifice everything for a mere potential? Reflect.
Capricorn: The machine that is your body could use a serious tune-up. You’re busy enough to be able to put-off doing anything immediately, but you’ll find yourself amply rewarded with enhanced productivity over longer hours if you only do something sooner rather than later.
Aquarius: All around you are the signs and metaphors of a different means of perceiving and transmitting information. You’re frustrated, because you know you’re on the brink of some new thing: something completely different. Give it time to express itself and it will be ripe.
Pisces: Heading off into the wilderness to eat strange bugs and twigs and get filled with visions? It’s a laudable ideal. Leave the bug-spray behind or the next meal you poison might be your own. Once you’re ready to rough it, ease up on the itinerary and hang with the scenery.
These are challenging times for news organizations. And yet it’s crucial we stay active and provide vital resources and information to both our local readers and the world. So won’t you please take a moment and consider supporting Metro Weekly with a membership? For as little as $5 a month, you can help ensure Metro Weekly magazine and MetroWeekly.com remain free, viable resources as we provide the best, most diverse, culturally-resonant LGBTQ coverage in both the D.C. region and around the world. Memberships come with exclusive perks and discounts, your own personal digital delivery of each week’s magazine (and an archive), access to our Member's Lounge when it launches this fall, and exclusive members-only items like Metro Weekly Membership Mugs and Tote Bags! Check out all our membership levels here and please join us today!