Hearsay

Aqua Boy’s throbbing good time at the White Party…
American Brotherhood Weekend’s winning quartet…
Meeting Boy Wes at JR.’s…

Hearsay begins its week by turning over a portion of its column to its top secret circuit clubbing cohort, Aqua Boy, who recently spent a weekend funning and sunning at the White Party in California:

After months upon months of rigorous mental and physical preparation (including a Potassium-only diet and daily kickboxing bouts at the gym), followed by a long, lovely bronze shower (also known as a spray tan), and Aqua Boy was primed for Jeffrey "Where is Christina?" Sanker‘s annual dance du jour — the White Party, or as its known in some remote parts of Spain, La Festivale de la Una Paloma Blanca. The self-proclaimed "gay jewel of the gay party circuit" annually lures men from across the nation to the desert oasis known as Hairy Palm Springs. Aqua Boy was ready to find some hairy palmed treasure himself and with the thousands that arrive for the weekend, Aqua Boy’s odds were looking pretty damn good. (Aqua Boy has throbbing needs, you know.) Feeling a lot naughty and not a bit nice, Aqua Boy decided to head over to the opening Friday night party, Dungeons and Drag Queens. What a treat to find hundreds of men in the middle of a desert decked out in leather (talk about sweating it out). Aqua Boy was happy to hear that the darling DJ of this dark ball was none other the Manny “Oh, Mr. Grant!” Lehman. With his shirt off and glasses on (or was that the other way around?), Manny played the room like a rock star — even DJ Brett "Tabernacle" Henrichsen came out to dance. The real star of Aqua Boy’s night, though, was the stars sighting of "adult actor" Johnny "Dukes of" Hazzard on a box where he was dancing in nothing but a black jock and construction boots (or was that the other way around?). Aqua Boy offered Hazzard a screwdriver, to which Hazzard presumably muttered, “Not too shabby for a Phillips head. Now somebody find me a few Phillips to give me some head!” After a night of the dark and dangerous Aqua Boy was utterly delighted — because Aqua Boy’s natural state is one of utter delight — to roam outside at one of White Party’s famous Pool Parties. There were pools of water, pools of mansweat, pools of manjuice, and pools of orange juice. Lots of pools. The delightful bass — because how can a bass be anything other than delightful? — began throbbing promptly at 10 a.m. and continued throbbing until 6 p.m. when it slowed momentarily to a pounding pulse before revving back up to a throb. It then promptly stopped throbbing altogether, leaving Aqua Boy to wonder if a Viagra might not help revive things. The event was a whirlwind of sun, sounds and way too many Speedos, or should we say Speed-No Nos. Kristine "Pat, I’ll Take a" W came to save the crowd’s soul with some singing, dancing, and even saxophone playing, but no throbbing. Who knew she could blow so well? Afterwards, Aquaboy decided it was time to rest up before the actual White Party and the throbbing that would ensue there. In an unexpected twist, Aqua Boy came upon what could have been the beginning of an interesting situation. It seemed an SUV full of "adult entertainment industry" stars was stranded in the parking lot — their engine would not turn over, among other things. Always being a gentleman Aqua Boy offered to jump-start their engine, despite the fact that Aqua Boy had no car at his disposal. They didn’t appreciate our humor, as "adult entertainment industry" stars are a rather serious lot. They don’t smile unless there’s money involved.

Aqua Boy was weary of the foreplay and ready for the main event. The outfit was ironed, the legs stretched, the hair was perfectly coiffed into a tight fin-like point — Aqua Boy was ready for anything! Anything! To Aqua Boy’s dismay the White Party was pretty vanilla. The Palm Springs Convention Center is more suited to a Bricklayer’s convention than a pretty boy circuit party. The large space made the evening very impersonal and Tony "Protégé" Moran‘s choice of vague songs didn’t help matters. Still, to his credit, Mr. Sanker does know how to throw a T-dance. Sunday’s Rio Carnivale Sunset T-Dance was Aqua Boy’s absolute favorite event of the whole weekend. DJ Kimberly "Pat, I’ll try an" S was the perfect compliment to the sensuous and exotic atmosphere. Her energetic — and yes, throbbing — set was the perfect score for the outdoor dance held at the foot of the majestic mountains of Palm Springs, also known as the Magic Mountains, for their mystical gnomal healing properties. With love swirling in the air (or was that pollen?), Aqua Boy decided it was time to risk its life and one good limb and ride the legendary White Party Ferris Wheel. From high above Aqua Boy were able to watch the beautiful sun set behind the mountains — was that a gnome! — and listen to the intense throbbing below. Now that is what Aqua Boy calls paradiseÂ…

Hearsay usually reserves Sunday as a day of rest, so it decided to visit a place well known for its relaxing properties — JR.’s. After a few Bloody Marys Hearsay was happy to report it was feeling extremely rested. Hearsay was thrilled by a surprise guest appearance from reality-TV star Wes "Where’s James?" Culwell from Boy Meets Boy, coming soon to DVD, so you can relive every suspense-filled minute. It seems Wes had stopped by the Victory Fund’s Burp the Politician Champagne Brunch earlier that day and was now looking to kill some time before heading to New York, where he was scheduled to give a motivational speech to a pod of whales. JR.’s welcomed the unexpected star with a clip from Mad TV‘s parody of Boy Meets Boy. The crowd turned to Wes to gauge his reaction — you could hear a pin drop — and the gloriously down-to-Earth Wes immediately started laughing. "Ha, ha, ha," he laughed. "I think it’s great. Ha, ha, ha. They are hilarious." He then added, "Andra hates them though — she won’t watch it." Oh, Andra, get a sense of humor, girlÂ…

Hearsay must now take a moment and congratulate the winners of this year’s 2004 American Brotherhood Weekend titles. American Leatherman went to New York City’s Robert "It’s My Favorite Ice Cream" Napolitano, while American Leatherwoman went to "The Perfect" Storm, of Asbury Park, New Jersey, which explains a lot about Storm. In the "younger" category, Terry "Shoeless Joe" Brown of Kansas City, Missouri took American Leatherboy, and was heard to mutter, "You people don’t know anything about Barbecue here — hand me that live pig please," while Libby "Libby Libby on the Label Label Label" Abate of Fresno, California, took American Leathergirl and shrieked "Winning this cooks my candied yams — wanna taste?" The event — expertly produced by Schelli "Fly Like an Eagle" Dittman and Max "The Bride Came C.O.D." Steiner and held this year at the Sheraton National Hotel in Arlington, Virginia — raised an impressive $40,000, to be divided among The Attic, the GLBTQ Youth Center in Philadelphia, the Dandelion Dog Rescue in Forks, Washington (which, coincidentally, sits right beside the city of Plates), and the TravelFund. Among the highlights of the weekend, a Friday-night VIP reception performance by Abigail, whose hits include "If I Don’t Fit," "Falling," "You Set Me Free," and the lesser-known, relatively obscure "Spank Me in the Morning (Then Just Walk Away)"Â…

Got a birthday you want mentioned? How about a bee in your bonnet? You can always try to sweet-talk Hearsay into mentioning it. Fill out Hearsay’s web form at www.metroweekly.com or write Hearsay at — what else? — hearsay@metroweekly.com. That is all. You may now go back to cultivating your hairy palms.