Hearsay
High Heel Race, One-in-Ten transition, Apex
A brand new winner at the High Heel Race…
Carlos “The Bear” Arias says so long…
Apex is hot, hot, hot…
Hearsay has a winner. Of the 17th Street High Heel Race. And it’s not the same guy who ran in years past and consistently beat out the others. That happy-go-lucky fella didn’t run this year, graciously stepping aside so that others might cross the finish line, which, come to think of it, didn’t really exist this year. The legion of costumed runners didn’t even have so much as a wafer-thin strand of yellow police tape to burst through. Still, the clear and obvious winner of the race was James “Minnie the Moocher” Calloway, who started the race with a burst of speed (from his calves, not the pills) and roared down the four block stretch of asphalt like a souped-up race car.
Unlike last year’s rain-soaked event, this past Tuesday night provided beautiful weather for the annual event, which pulled in record crowds. All of the usual suspects were all there, including Lena “Trim Waist, Big Big Hair” Lett, Cookie “One Day I’m Gonna Be Pwesident!” Buffet and Patrick “The Wittle Princess” Nolen, whose annually resurrected Lady Di is getting a bit long in the tooth. There was also a Siegfried and Roy, whose crowd-pleasing props included a hoop, a wheelchair and a stuffed tiger. Hearsay’s absolute favorite were the Facts of Life chicklets, who just screamed with pre-teen perkiness. And what about that Krispy Kreme Donut dairy queen — she was just ready for the gorging. And then there was the drag queen who came dressed as Carol Schwartz. What’s that? Oh, it was Carol. Too bad she didn’t run (though she’ll get her chance this Tuesday)Â…
This year, as every year, Carlos "Singing My Way to Freedom" Arias was everywhere at Reel Affirmations. Actually, this year even more so. Did you happen to catch him on screen? Yes, that was Arias making his big-screen debut in Bear Cub, the Spanish film that had all the bears talking, and not just because they hadn’t before realized just how hairy Arias was — his full beard was new this year. But Hearsay knew of Carlos’s hair all along, and still remembers the time he took Hearsay aside and revealed that a certain part of his body, a part of the body that is usually bare, was not bare on him. Unfortunately, Arias also made Hearsay swear to secrecy that it wouldn’t tell just where the hair was, and it’s a threat that Hearsay now believes was authoritatively serious. Did you happen to see Carlos’s his new police jacket and hat? Yes, it’s real. It was a gift from Brett "Blue Boy" Parsons, our town’s leading gun-toting gay defender. No, Parsons and Arias aren’t an item, though just imagine the role-playing that would ensue should they ever hook up. Carlos: “My, that’s a big gun you’ve got there, officer.” Brett: “Up against the wall and spread ’em.” Carlos: “I’d spread anything for you, my big law-enforcing cuddle-buddle.” Brett: “I’m now going to probe good and hard for hidden contraband.” Carlos: “Oooh, is that ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ I smell?” Anyway, you get the idea.
Unfortunately, this tale has a bittersweet ending: this was the last year Arias will be talking too fast from the Lincoln Theatre pulpit. It’s the last year he’ll be taking the unfinished vodka drinks right out of everyone’s hands, kicking them to the Ben’s Chili Bowl curb after the festival’s nightly curfew to use the Absolut Tent has passed. It’s the last year he’ll be engaged in heated discussion about some thing or another in the Lincoln Theatre lobby. (Okay, that’s a lie, since he gets in heated discussions all the live long day, film festival or no.) So as was done with former festival director Sarah "Missing In Pittsburgh" Kellogg last year, Arias got quite the send off as One In Ten’s outgoing director this year at the Closing Party. Was he the reason for the fountains of chocolate fondue — in white, dark, milk and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” varieties? Well, if so, and it wasn’t just One In Ten board member and closing party caterer Larry "Ball Bearing" Guillemette‘s decision, Hearsay wants to thank Arias. Really and truly. Because Hearsay’s never made a bigger mess of itself, literally speaking, in public. Why, the chocolate goo pasted to its face ruined the rest of Hearsay’s night. You try explaining you had a run-in with fondue to a twink who barely knows what a Twinky is, much less fondueÂ…
A week ago Friday, Hearsay made its way to Apex, and it’s happy to report that the bitch is back and better than ever. The club is operating full maximum capacity, drawing in the boys like bees swarm to honey. Manager Joey-O doesn’t even have to be behind the turntables on a Sunday to bring the boys to his pinnacle (though his monthly Temptation Teas are, in fact, all the rage), and bartender Mike doesn’t even have to serve alcohol to make the boys come to call. And then there’s VJ Dave "Sinner-Men" Linn‘s "Naughty Girl" ways that makes Brad "di" Russi smile, and DJ Rob "Throb" Harris‘ thump-thump sashays that makes Mike "Senior Junior’s" Izeta go wildÂ…
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